dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
