Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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