When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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