Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
