The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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