I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
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