Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
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