this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
