If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
The uberlube is also flammable
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
we're so committed to being not committed
Randomize
