By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Help. Why am I so naked?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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