This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
