maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
