I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I stole a fireplace last night.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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