Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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