I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
