i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
