I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
