I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Randomize
