I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
