Well douche your snatch and let's go!
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
