I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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