Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
