she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
i now understand why vodka
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
