I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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