I can tuck mytits in my pants
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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