hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
