I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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