What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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