y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Randomize
