I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
