K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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