Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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