The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
