just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
