I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
