I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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