gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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