Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
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