he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
