Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
