i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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