Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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