I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
