I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
