the day after is always just damage control
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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