margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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