is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
