Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
