plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
My ATM looks so different sober.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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