hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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