I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
