jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
