he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
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