Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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