Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
