the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
