I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
