I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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