First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
