she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
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