mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize