If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Randomize
