She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
