Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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