i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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