I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
