yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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