I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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