Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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